-----------------------------------¹«A Practical Guide To Pyrotechnics &Explosives For Not Very Much Money²»-----------------------------------By: ¹Hedgehog²/³Sonic²
Ok then, I'm typing this all on ³Hallow's eve². That is Halloween to
the Lamers reading this. To determine how Lame you are check the release date
of this Mag, it must be here somewhere. If it is about four or more weeks ago
then you are probably lame. Still, enough of that pathetic drivel, we all see
enough of that in ³demos² (¹and³ dentros²,³ pentros²,³ inintros²,³ etc....²):
on to some more interesting writings (³I hope²).
On the Fifth of November, all English people use the fact that some
bloke tried to blow up the King many years ago with lots of Gunpowder in a
cellar under the houses of Parliament, to hold a celebration called Guy Fawkes
night. This Guy Fawkes was the main person who wanted to kill the King, so the
night is therefore named after him. All around the country, people build big,
non-poluting bonfires, and put a life sized model of Guy Fawkes on the fire.
Anyone who believes in Black Magic and stuff like that might say that we give
him a very bad time every year, but I can't say I know anything about that.
Well I don't see why we celebrate the King ³NOT² being killed, as Royalty has
killed many people, and they nowadays live off our taxes, and only really work
as an attraction for the ³Japanese tourists² (It must be impossible to go
past Fuckingham Palace and ³NOT² see a crowd of Japanese tourists taking
pictures of things like pigeon crap on the railings - ³WOW²!)
Well that was really enlightening for all you English (Sorry, and
Welsh, Irish + Scotish) out there wasn't it? Basically, it is just a time
when people set fire to a big pile of wood, then usually get drunk after.
I've forgotten something, ¹FIREWORKS²! Ha, that is what this stupid
article is supposed to be all about! I'm not going to tell you how to make
fireworks, but ³cool² things that you can do with them!
³Disclaimer thingy²:
Anybody doing ³any² of the following things is not allowed to sue me,
as it will be your own fault if you end up with no arms or legs or something,
and I really wont care one little bit. So there. Not that I'm going to tell
you anything dangerous or anything (not much!).
OK then. Here's the first dangerous firework type thing. This is
rather boring, but produces nice results.
³Ingredients²:
One ³powerful² banger rocket. One person who you hate a lot's car.
³Method²:
Place banger in car exhaust (facing towards the engine obviously!)
light the blue touch paper, then retire! Watch the exhaust get blown up near
the engine! This can also be done to motorbikes or those ³AR50 hairdryers²
that lame bastards ride around on thinking that they are really cool people. A
message to all lame bastards who ride around on AR50 hairdryers thinking they
are really cool: you aren't!
So, too boring, probably thought of that, and maybe done it yourself?
OK, try this one then:
Silly, and rather dangerous, anarchistic firework type thing number two:
³Ingredients²:
One very powerful airbomb (the type that you place in the ground,
light, then watch as the firework throws a bomb into the air, which explodes,
with a ³VERY² loud bang) and one lampost!
³Method²:
Open up the lampost, any way that you know how. Place firework in
lampost, light, replace cover, and run away very, very quickly. The lampost
still looks OK from the outside, but when the airbomb goes off, the sodium
lamp (the orange thing at the top of the post for all you lamers out there)
doesn't seem to glow with a nice shade of orange anymore, in fact it doesn't
seem to glow ³at all²! Since lamposts are council property, make sure you are
not seen fucking one of them up as the pigs (yes lamers, that means those nice
people in blue uniforms with big helmets (oh er!)) will get a bit annoyed with
you!
OK here is another rather boring, but sadistic firework thing:
³Ingredients²:
Another one of those airbombs. An old person's house. Someone who
wants to practise heart surgery.
³Method²:
Place airbomb in old person's letterbox, light it, and ring the bell.
If you have timed the fuse of the bomb with the ³mobility² of the old
person, the bomb will go off just as they open the door. They will promptly
collapse, when you can get the person who wants to practise heart surgery to
make them better again (or maybe not). Medical students will probably ³pay²
you some amount of money for the chance of doing this!
